New Year’s Resolutions: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

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I like setting New Year’s resolutions. I do it every year and I try to be pragmatic in how I approach them. I treat them more like goals than promises. I make a list and plans and check them through the year. If I don’t accomplish something, that’s okay, I don’t feel guilty about it. I just feel good about what I did accomplish.

In 2015, I resolve to learn the skills I’d need to survive the zombie apocalypse.

There is a long list of skills you can learn to survive the zombie apocalypse – hunting, trapping, fishing, salt-curing, canning, carpentry, sailing, farming, self-defence or martial arts, learning to ride a motorcycle, how to read the skies so that you’re not caught unprepared when a massive storm hits. To make it feasible, I’ve narrowed the list down to nine items.

1. Lose weight and improve my fitness.

Because if you’ve seen Zombieland, you know what rule number one is:

Truth be told, this resolution is on my list every single year. I gain weight, I lose weight, I establish an exercise routine, I abandon said routine. Never give up, people.

2. Learn to handle a firearm

My Aussie friends probably think I was gifted a gun by Uncle Sam the moment I could hold a sippy cup. My family was not into guns and the most firing I’ve ever done is shooting (well, aiming) at a target in a wide open field with an air rifle when I was a kid and under my father’s supervision. Melbourne has shooting clubs and firing ranges, but gun laws are very strict here and I’m not sure how complicated the process is. This skill might be on hold until we visit America.

3. Learn archery

Learning how to handle a firearm is great, but during the zombie apocalypse, bullets may be sparse. We all know blunt objects work well against zombies, but a bow and arrow is very effective too and it has the added benefit of being a hunting tool. I have wanted to learn how to use a bow since I was a kid. I’m a Sagittarius, the symbol of which is the archer, so I am astrologically predisposed to archery. I’m in luck because there is actually a national archery organisation with state chapters and local resources.

4. Learn first aid

This is an excellent set of skills to have zombie apocalypse or no and it’s not hard to find training in Melbourne. St John Ambulance Australia and the Red Cross both offer first aid training. Sign up!

5.  Learn morse code

Everyone knows SOS, right? Morse code is one of the simplest and most versatile methods of telecommunication and you don’t need any special equipment.

6.Orienteering

By orienteering, I mean the skills involved using a map and compass to navigate in unfamiliar terrain. Considering that I use Google Maps on my iPhone just to get around in the CBD and still get lost sometimes, this one will likely be my biggest challenge. Australians love the outdoors so there’s no shortage of orienteering organisations.

7. Foraging

You’d think I’d go with farming, but I’ll leave that to my more capable partner. I’ll explore foraging and learn more about bush tucker.

8. Learn how to tie different kinds of knots

I struggle tying bows on Christmas presents so this will be a good one to learn. There are probably thousands of knots you can learn, but I’ll narrow it down to 10-20 super useful ones.

9. Learn how to make a fire 

If my ancestors could figure this out 400,000 years ago, I think I have a pretty good shot.

Pretty ambitious, I know.

What are your New Year’s resolutions?

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3 Comments

  1. What an imaginative list! I love it, and look forward to hearing about your experiences with the ones you get to.
    Good luck.

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